A push and a pull.
I’ve felt very much out of control of myself or my emotions for the past couple of weeks. It’s a weird thing to feel, a push and a pull; I’m full of these conflicts I can’t wrap my head around.
I feel very much compelled to move, to act – like I have to be driving toward something, moving toward some goal – and yet unmotivated to do so. I mean, I know I need to get up and go to work each day, I know there’s a point and purpose to it, but I don’t want to leave my apartment. I’m afraid I’m going to break down in public again, act like the crazy people you see on the streets, afraid of being judged, maybe afraid of being pitied.
Likewise, I don’t much sleep – the other night I went to bed shortly after 11:00 pm, and woke up at 4:00 – but it’s so hard to get out of bed in the mornings, so hard to convince myself to get up and dressed. Does that have to do with the leaving-the-house thing I already mentioned? I don’t know. I hope this medication starts working soon… I feel like such a basketcase some days.
Overall, it wasn’t such a bad day. I just feel weird sometimes. What’s wrong with me? What’s pulling the strings? I’ve never felt so out of control of my own life before, like I could just be along for the ride, just be completely semi-conscious and watch to see how things turn out.
I wrote this one song a couple of years ago – I was thinking about it today and thought it took on a kind of new shape. I’m including a piece of it here:
I slip inside where I won’t be seen, though I don’t know exactly where I am
And who’s behind my vacancy? Say hello, and say it clearly
I come undone every Saturday – I come around because admission’s free
But who will find me? Who’s that coming up behind?