"How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?”
The fact that I feel as though I’m coming down with something aside (a weekend with a couple of sick redheads can accomplish that), I feel as though the depression is creeping back. Yesterday morning I felt as though my insides were torn out, I was downtown and just scowling at complete strangers.
Tired, stressed, and dealing with all sorts of annoying issues in my life of late, I’ve been pulled in too many directions. I’m too far away from everyone I love. I’m uncertain about the future. I don’t feel as though I have any real direction in my life, but rather am dealing with issues as they arise and forcing myself to be content with that.
It’s a recurring theme I’ve seen of late: my friends have posted notes on their thoughts about complacency, and happiness, and it’s all touching close to home. At what point do we stop seeking out happiness, or reaching for our dreams, and just become singularly acceptant of things the way they are?
To digress, I decided over the past couple of weeks on going to college. I did some research into programs offered by local schools and became very interested in studying to become a Paramedic. And though I maintained excellent grades throughout school in the past, I am short a requisite course or two for application.
My fault, sure – I’ve known all along that non-formulaic math and certain sciences aren’t exactly my strong point (like Biology, please don’t laugh), so I stopped taking them in school when I felt I could. Turns out that a single extra semester in the study of science could’ve made all the difference. And unfortunately, the course must be on the transcript for application by February 1st, so I’ll be having to wait until 2009.
And don’t get me wrong, the idea of studying for awhile in the interim to obtain the courses I need is actually a decent thing; one thing I wanted very much for myself upon completing high school was to maintain that learnability. Students absorb and retain information very quickly and easily, and I never wanted not to learn anything again, to further myself through study.
It’s just that… fuck, another year and a half in fucking dead-end jobs before I can get the ball rolling again. It’s a wholly depressing notion, marred by the fact that the logisitcs company I work for has just completed a huge project and will be laying off employees at some undisclosable time in the future. Am I at risk? With near every certainty.
Not that having to find new work would be that bad, admittedly. I enjoy new situations and challenges, and meeting new people. Since I left school, it’s also been pretty much the only way to learn new things, new processes and skills. It’s just that… fuck, I don’t want to be laid off. I don’t want to have to adjust again, begin again. This city and everything that made up my 2007 have taken such a toll on me… my attacks have started again, infrequently.
So what then does it take to be happy? Not merely content, but happy. How does one hold on to those fleeting moments? Even recognizing them can be difficult, but I’m starting to improve on that. Making them last, however, is impossible, a depressing notion in and of itself.
I don’t even know how to close this post… I don’t know how to sum up a discussion on questions and feelings I haven’t actually gotten away from. I guess I just needed to get some things out. Now I need something to drink.
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